Joyless

Again,  I spent an ENTIRE evening grouching.  My foster daughter needed a new dress for her 5 year old pictures.  There are few things I hate more than shopping...and dress shopping with a nearly 5 year old diva...YIKES! 

She and I have different tastes, values, and interpretations of "cute".  She wanted to buy everything in the store...which irritated me.  She kept picking out weird accessories that very much did not match the dress she decided on (not even in the same ballpark).  She literally pranced around the dressing room runway style...which I did not enjoy or think was cute.  She wanted to have a loud, lengthy discussion about bras and "boobies" as we passed the lingerie section. Everything she did got on m'nerves. 
EV-ER-Y-THING. 

After we pulled away from the store, I went over the experience in my head.  I am a monster.  What should have been a sweet time of bonding and helping her to feel special turned into me being bitchy and her ramping up the annoyances. 

I repented to God in my little red minivan.  I felt terrible.  I asked God to help me be joyful.  It's not right to be joyful all of the time; but when my bad attitude hurts someone else...it's not right.  I took an opportunity to show this little girl love and let her know how special she was and turned it into a lesson in eye rolling and irritated sighs. 

Thankless Brat

I spent an entire evening grouching and demanding last week.  The details are not important, but let's just assume that I had ABSOLUTELY no right to even have an opinion about it.  Someone was showing me an extreme kindness and I was not happy with the details. 

I am sorry.  My heart is selfish and I have repented to God and to the party involved. 

I appreciate this heightened awareness of the darkness that is wrapped up in complaining.

Can I Trade My Kingdom?

I remember one of my friends response when I annouced that I was fasting from complaining this Lent. 

She said, "You're going to fast complaining WHILE YOU HAVE FOSTER KIDS?" She then gave me a look like I was crazy.

Turns out her concerns were TOTALLY founded. 

Our kiddos are going through a weird "I hate that I love being here" kind of psychological phase.  My theory is that they are starting to feel attached to our family and feel grief and loss around those attachments.  They are verbally combative and enjoy a good power struggle.  They are often reverting to toddler-like mentalities, making communication or correction challenging.  In addition my oldest bio kid is going through a "I just hate that they are still here" phase, which makes him very sensitive and needy.  The baby is going through his 15 month separation anxiety phase.

If I have the wherewith all to step back and assess the situation rationally, I can understand these things and problem solve ways to help them.  But the reality is that I am a 30 year old mom who is self centered and often just worn out.  It's hard to step back.  When I'm in the thick of things and children are coming at me rapid-fire style with angry tears, mean tattles, and ridiculous questions, I ride on my emotions. 

I growl little snarky things here and there. I have been known to raise my voice in sheer frustration.  I clench my teeth and give sarcastic replies to stupid questions.  I COMPLAIN and GRUMBLE my way through the day in little ways.

What I should be doing is taking these things to God.  I should talk with him before my nutty nutty day starts and fall into His arms when the day is done and I have been sapped of everything I have emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I'm not doing that.  I have no excuse.  I am just not.  It's more comfortable for me to complain to my husband, my sister, or my best friend that to talk to God about my situation.  I don't want to appear powerless or weak or inadequate.  He already knows I am ALL of those things and MORE.  I just hate admitting it. 

In our church we talk about sin being equivalent to trying to establish your own little kingdom; setting yourself up as king (queen) and doing everything you can to protect your kingdom.

 I wanna be QUEEN!!!  I don't want to NEED God.  I've got this!  I just need to problem solve, seek counsel, relax and get away and it will be OK.  I will be OK.  Sometimes I am.  Most of the time I am not.  My mind knows it.  I block and medicate.  My body knows it.  My shoulders are so tight from stress that a masseuse gave up;my jaw is constantly clenched.  My soul knows how puny I really feel.  It hears me silently berate myself for being such a failure.  It feels like a failure. 

This is NOT what God has for me.  His Bible says differently.  The Spirit of God offers peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control.  But I am willfully choosing to deny the most ultimate source of help...because I want my piddly little kingdom to limp along proudly while I whine about it.   That's messed up.

Rough Start

Fact: We had a rough night with Isaac.  He cried for over an hour around 2:00am.  Nothing helped except sleeping with him in his chair.

Fact: I've only had 4-5 hours of sleep in a recliner in the last 24 hours.

Fact: All of my children are particularly hyper this morning.  Isaac has cried nearly constantly since he popped his head up from my chest at 7:00...it is now 9:00.

Fact: I've already had to choke back MANY complaints and grumblings. 

Remember, I am only accountable to outward displays of complaining.  So what do I do when I have to hold it in? 

One of two things happens:

1. I literally swallow my complaint. It end up as tension in my jaw and shoulders...I seethe.  This is what I am, at this very minute, doing as I continue to hear my exhausted 16 month old cry from his crib.

2. I grouch at God.  This is really what I am supposed to be doing any way...but I still feel a little bad for unloading dumb crap on the God of the universe.  In reality, it feels more healthy than complaning to my husband or my sister. 

It Is What It Is...Revised

Our pastor made sure to mention last night that Lent is not the time to give up a sin for 40 days.  Complaining can be classified as sin.  However, I still think it's a valid thing to "give up" for Lent.  So, this is technically 40 days of focused repentance for complaining and grumbling. 

Last year's sugar fast was the same thing.  If I give something up for Lent, it's going to be something that prevents me from relating with God in a healthy way.  I don't want to pick it back up.  Even though I broke my sugar fast, when I abuse sugar, I am reminded of my motivations and try to give my dysfunction over to God.  It doesn't happen every time, but the 40 day fast created an awareness of sin that brought me closer to God.

It is my hope that concentrating on not complaining or grumbling will create an awareness of how often I whine about my blessings...thereby giving God the middle finger and telling Him I don't want to deal with the life He's given me.  I don't intend to "break" this fast...Lent is just concentrated space to deal with a specific issue in my life that is habitual and harmful.

Ash Wednesday Revisited

Neither my husband nor I had ever celebrated Ash Wednesday until a few years ago. It was just not part of the Easter celebration in any of the churches we attended until we went to Redeemer. The first year we decided to attend we sort of sat through the liturgy (which was also a new concept for us) not knowing what to do with ourselves. When it came time to receive ashes, we weren't totally sure if we should do it or not.

I wrestled with my heart motivations. Was I doing it to look holy to others? Was I doing it to blend in at Redeemer? Did I want to try this new thing just for the sake of having the experience? After spending time praying, both Mark and I decided to receive ashes. If you are not familiar with this, receiving ashes is when the pastor looks at you and says “Remember that dust you are, and to dust you shall return,” which comes from Genesis 3:19. He then dips his finger in ashes and makes a cross on your forehead.

What happened next, I actually didn't expect. I had braced myself to do battle with my pride; to fend of any false claims of holiness that these ashes on my head could offer. But, to my astonishment, I felt humility.

Having these ashes on my forehead was at best... embarrassing. Not because there was a gray smudge on my head, but because that smudge spoke volumes. "I am incapable of saving myself." they mumbled. "I need...very deeply just NEED." the ashes whimpered. The mark on my head knowingly declared "I am more sinful than I will even admit to myself and I need to be rescued."

When one symbol says all of those very intimate and painful things, you sort of just want to hang your head...to hide. By God's blessing, I looked around me and I saw the ashes on everyone else too. Their ashes said the same things. In moments like those I get a rare glimpse of what heaven might be like.

It Ain't What It Ain't

Here are some further explanations of what this fast is for/what it will look like.

• This is not a ploy for attention.  I like to share my fasts because I think it is beneficial, not because I want you to think I am awesome/foolish/fundamentalist/uber-religious/whatever.
• This is not a quest for holiness. I fully concede that I cannot earn more of God's love or grace or forgiveness by fasting at Lent. In the finished work of Christ is the only place I can find holiness before God.
• It is not my desire to look like a super holy Pollyanna.  There is a time and place for negative communication.  I will ABSOLUTELY do my best to discern those times.  I just want to make sure that I am not framing this life that God has given me with negativity and strife.