Can I Trade My Kingdom?

I remember one of my friends response when I annouced that I was fasting from complaining this Lent. 

She said, "You're going to fast complaining WHILE YOU HAVE FOSTER KIDS?" She then gave me a look like I was crazy.

Turns out her concerns were TOTALLY founded. 

Our kiddos are going through a weird "I hate that I love being here" kind of psychological phase.  My theory is that they are starting to feel attached to our family and feel grief and loss around those attachments.  They are verbally combative and enjoy a good power struggle.  They are often reverting to toddler-like mentalities, making communication or correction challenging.  In addition my oldest bio kid is going through a "I just hate that they are still here" phase, which makes him very sensitive and needy.  The baby is going through his 15 month separation anxiety phase.

If I have the wherewith all to step back and assess the situation rationally, I can understand these things and problem solve ways to help them.  But the reality is that I am a 30 year old mom who is self centered and often just worn out.  It's hard to step back.  When I'm in the thick of things and children are coming at me rapid-fire style with angry tears, mean tattles, and ridiculous questions, I ride on my emotions. 

I growl little snarky things here and there. I have been known to raise my voice in sheer frustration.  I clench my teeth and give sarcastic replies to stupid questions.  I COMPLAIN and GRUMBLE my way through the day in little ways.

What I should be doing is taking these things to God.  I should talk with him before my nutty nutty day starts and fall into His arms when the day is done and I have been sapped of everything I have emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I'm not doing that.  I have no excuse.  I am just not.  It's more comfortable for me to complain to my husband, my sister, or my best friend that to talk to God about my situation.  I don't want to appear powerless or weak or inadequate.  He already knows I am ALL of those things and MORE.  I just hate admitting it. 

In our church we talk about sin being equivalent to trying to establish your own little kingdom; setting yourself up as king (queen) and doing everything you can to protect your kingdom.

 I wanna be QUEEN!!!  I don't want to NEED God.  I've got this!  I just need to problem solve, seek counsel, relax and get away and it will be OK.  I will be OK.  Sometimes I am.  Most of the time I am not.  My mind knows it.  I block and medicate.  My body knows it.  My shoulders are so tight from stress that a masseuse gave up;my jaw is constantly clenched.  My soul knows how puny I really feel.  It hears me silently berate myself for being such a failure.  It feels like a failure. 

This is NOT what God has for me.  His Bible says differently.  The Spirit of God offers peace, joy, love, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control.  But I am willfully choosing to deny the most ultimate source of help...because I want my piddly little kingdom to limp along proudly while I whine about it.   That's messed up.